I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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