There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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