I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
