I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
