someone threw a dead crab at me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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