i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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