On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
