I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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