I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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