it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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