Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
time to smoke my breakfast
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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