I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
