remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
