I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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