Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
