I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
