I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
