If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
