Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
