Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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