So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
