Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
