i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
