u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
