My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
