literally had 100 drinks last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
