Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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