Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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