They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
