A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
