the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
please come you make the beer taste better
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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