someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
