u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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