I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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