You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
