I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
