they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
