I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
