i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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