i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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