Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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