I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
