we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
