my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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