Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
