well I can't set my house on fire every night
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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