It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
