I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
