I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
