Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
