I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
