i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
