Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
