I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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