I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
