Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
