why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
someone owes me an orgasm
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
