He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
